Passio Secundum Tabris Angeli
by Haziel
Summary: Kaworu ponders... for that is all he can do at the time.


**Passio Secundum Tabris Angeli **

_**(Passion according to an angel)**_

**A/N: **This was supposed to be a one-shot… but I have so much material to explore I'll make it a simple two chapter fic.

**Warning: **Rated T for language(somewhat shonen-ai… but not that important).

**

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****Hold my soul tight so it won't run away**

Tightening…

Tightening… I feel them; gigantic metal fingers slowly coming together as if ignoring the fact that my body is between them. They're firm, cold and will not stop… they will not stop until they are together. The space grows narrower and narrower… tightening.

This is the work of humanity… so many years, decades, century… millennia even have passed to reach this goal: a gigantic beast bound to destroy us; a creature made as a copy of our first one, our Adam, to destroy all others that would come afterwards; an artificial Edipus Rex.

I can't stop myself from smiling… be it from the ever so ironic predicament I'm in, or for the fact that I am about to die. Not much of a reason to smile in reality. And considering who's about to kill me… I guess I should be crying actually; but I can't and that leaves me stuck with this stupid grin.

"You betrayed me just like my father!"

Tightening…

Tightening… his words envelop my being like the huge fingers around my body; yet, now it is my essence that is being tempered with. They suffocate me like a thousands hands covering my mouth, not letting me breathe, scream… or even explain. How can so little words carry so much hatred? This is much worse than the titanic hand squeezing the life out of my body. And yet I'm still smiling… I want to cry so much.

I look up to find the gigantic metallic face; a helmet, I know… they covered the true form of my artificial "equal" in a metallic container… designated to keep the true body inside locked and controlled, so that it obeys the one riding it. To say the truth, I doubt it if it would run free if they opened the cage. It would be hard for it to do something, not having a soul and all.

So this is the next step in the evolutionary chain… a cloned angel, locked in a machine, deprived of any being… a simple piece of meat without any soul.

But it does have a soul… at least right now. Otherwise I would not be like this… otherwise, it wouldn't be holding me like this, slowly testing the boundaries of my skin, experimenting with the strength of my bones, putting my lungs to trial… in fewer words, killing me with his bare (albeit metallically covered) hands.

Tightening…

It is you, isn't it Shinji? You're the soul inside this beast… it must be so hard to keep focused a body this size, so straining. Now that I think of it; looking at this horrid creature and knowing that its actions are but a mere reflection of your desires, and commands; that its purpose is to obey your mind… I do not find it so horrid. I guess that, in a way… this machine you call EVA, is you.

No… it is not you. It couldn't be you. I've seen you, talked to you, been with you… I've been close to you; very close. I've been with you physically and in spirit; communicated with your body and your mind. I touched (I feel a certain warmness in my cheeks… is this what they call embarrassment?)… I touched you; your body, I mean, your hand more specifically. You're much more beautiful than this poor excuse for a body.

Therefore it can't be you, you are inside this machine… and then again, your soul is inside your body. Does that make your body the same as the creature you control? No… I know that if I destroy the EVA your body will remain intact, therefore there is no connection. But… if I destroy your body, your soul should remain intact… does that mean there is no connection between your body and your soul? I really don't want to think about destroying your body… although that's exactly what you're about to do to mine.

Tightening…

The stench of the LCL wakes me up from my wonderings; infecting me with each drawing breath… the horrible smell also tightens me, blinding my senses with its revolting odour. I feel claustrophobic just looking at the orangey transparent fluid in the pool beneath me… if there's one thing I don't want, is to fall down there. This disgusting liquid… just the thought that this is the fuel for the EVA, coursing and pumping through their veins is enough to make me sick.

I remember when I had to get inside one of these machines… the rising liquid slowly filling the pod where they had closed me. It was horrible, I was terrified… felt like dying and running to cry in the arms of my Creator. And then that commanding voice of that Dr…. what was her name… Ritsuko, I guess… that voice telling me to just "swallow my medicine". It wasn't a medicine… more like a sordid poison. Man has been blessed with the fresh open hair, his lungs created to be able to truly breath and live… and now man drowns himself in some vile primordial soup clogging there lungs with this ghastly machine phlegm.

They make you swallow your medicine too… don't they Shinji; stopping you from breathing; blocking your throat. You've been subjected to this for so long… as for me; I swear I would kill myself if they put me through that again. You must be much, much stronger than me Shinji-kun. And now that I look at the situation; it just proves that. It is I who is at your mercy in the end… damned smile, it won't come off.

…

I do not feel it… the fingers no longer seek to join. My body is no longer pressed against these metallic boundaries… they do not tighten anymore. Why have you stopped? What do you want me to do… what should I do?

I look up and I meet two little scratches of light in the metallic face. Are these the eyes that you use to see me? Are these your eyes Shinji? Do the eyes of this machine match yours? Are you looking at me the same way this ridiculous Adam personification is; so coldly and selflessly, or are you tearing, or are you smiling? I wish I could see you inside… I wish I could see your eyes… I wish they weren't crying, and if they were, I wish I could clean away your tears.

You're not tightening me anymore Shinji… have you forgot how to? Just pretend I'm not here and clench your fists… you don't do it… and yet you do not open your hand. If you do not want to kill me… and if you do not want to free me… what do you want from me?

…

And then I remember… I haven't said goodbye yet. Probably should… we met with greetings, we should depart with farewells.

"My life was meaningful because of you."

I really don't know how that sounded… and I'm not going to try and make it sound better because it would be silly to repeat myself, now would it? Just wish it didn't come out to stuttered or fearful… although I have to admit I'm pretty scared right now.

…

You don't do anything. Don't just stand there… kill me please. I can't do anything like this but think…and my wonderings are far from joyful. Don't let my demons finish the job you have left undone. Please do something…

Is this torture? Do you want to surprise me by making my body explode without notice? Would a gasp of surprise to accompany the cracking of my bones make my death more enjoyable to you?

NO! How could I think such a horrible thing about you…? I try to hit myself but my arms are locked. I must be looking so extremely ridiculous… and I shouldn't be. I am Tabris the angel and I should take this head up and proud. God's messenger shall stand proud and behold his death… for it is nothing but the return to the almighty and all loving light from whence he came.

…

…

…

Fuck it… I can't stop smiling…

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Look at that… my my my… a review button! 


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